I am in Ottawa speaking to the ‘powers that be’ about our need to stop the legal assault of our children. As of this date, 49 countries have banned the physical punishment of children. Isn’t it about time that we followed suit? We know it’s the right thing to do. To learn more about the issue come to our website, Corinne’s Quest: End Physical Punishment of Children.
Then, please sign on as a supporter. We need to let the politicians know that Canadians do not want to continue having a law which permits the hitting of our children.
Violence against children should be prohibited by the law, not defined by it!
One question I often get asked is, “But does that mean we can’t discipline our children?” Of course not. It simply means you can’t hit them. And that’s punishment.
So today, let’s look at discipline and punishment and just how different they are.
Are Discipline and Punishment the Same Thing?
Discipline and punishment are completely different but I hear the terms used interchangeably all the time.
Punishment is about causing pain or discomfort in an effort to change behaviour. We hope he will change his actions in order to avoid pain or discomfort. And it often works, but only in the short term. It works as long as it’s uncomfortable enough to dissuade him from repeating the misbehaviour. So maybe, if the night we take away the TV privileges he misses his favourite program, he might think twice about his misbehaviour. But probably not. He’ll be thinking it’s unfair and he’ll be angry with you who did this to him.
With punishment the motivation is external. He learns that his parents will make his life miserable if he doesn’t follow the rules, but he doesn’t learn why those rules exist. He might learn to be sneaky so he won’t get caught, and that he can misbehave when nobody’s watching. We’ve all heard about teens who throw parties as soon as their parents are away.
Discipline is not about pain or punishment, nor about revenge or retribution. Discipline is about teaching, guiding and training. When we discipline children we are teaching them the difference between right and wrong. We’re helping them to learn about the consequences of their actions.
Consequences in another term we tend to mis-use. Consequences are not a nasty punishment to be dealt out to a misbehaving child in the hopes that he learns his lesson. Consequences are actually simply the result of what went on before. When kids learn about consequences they start to think before they act. They ask themselves, what would happen if I did this? What are the consequences of my behaviour?
There are those who believe that a reasonable consequence for misbehaviour is to remove something that is unhealthy or unnecessary. So, a child leaves his bike lying on the driveway and you tell him he cannot have dessert tonight. What does he learn from that? It makes no sense.
It is in no way connected to bike safety or security, but is simply an arbitrary response. It is really a punishment disguised as a consequence. It is designed to make the child learn by suffering. The hope is that if he’s miserable because of the negative consequence, he will change his behaviour.
Discipline, however, is concerned with teaching. The consequence therefore needs to be connected to the child’s behavior. In other words, if I eat a good lunch the consequence would be that I would not be hungry.
The best form of discipline or teaching is to simply allow nature to take its course. What will happen naturally based on the child’s behaviour? If he decides to dawdle in the morning, he will be late for school and his teacher or school principal will determine the consequences. And he will learn that there are reasons for being on time. On the other hand, if he leaves his bike on the driveway, it may be stolen or run over. Or maybe, nothing will happen.
You may decide those are not acceptable results in order for him to learn to take responsibility for the care of his bike. So, you let him know that having a bike is a privilege and carries with it responsibilities. By not looking after his bike he has lost the use of it for three days.
Once we realize that the whole point of discipline is to teach our children how to behave rather than to cause them grief, it all makes sense.
When punishment works, it works because the child is uncomfortable and unhappy and learns that when he breaks he rules his parents will cause him to suffer. This may change his behaviour, but has he learned why the rule exists? I think not.
When discipline works, it works because the child learns right from wrong and why he should make the choice to follow the rules.
It’s not just about changing behaviour; it’s about teaching kids to internalize the rules. It’s about helping them build their own moral code to live by in their adult years.
Which do you want for your kids?
Check out Kathy’s newest e-parenting mini guide.
Vive la Différence: Raising Children with Different Temperaments.
I have always known that each child is a unique individual. I looked at my two who are as different as night and day. Then I consider my siblings and we are a textbook example of different.
But, now I have three grandchildren, all the same age and the differences from their births has been striking. The style of parenting they require is essentially the same, but their different temperaments can lead to a need to adjust the parenting style.
The result is the e-parenting mini guide, Vive la Difference: Raising Children with Different Temperaments.
Parenting Today is keen to speak as part of your professional development event, parenting workshop or workplace wellness support program. I offer keynotes and workshops, have written books and have ongoing newspaper columns, books, blogs and newsletters.
And, no matter what the actual topic, they all share a basic value that I call:
P — is a parenting plan
U — is unconditional love
R — is respect for your child as he is right now
E — is encouragement
These make up the framework of any resources that will come from Parenting Today. These four pillars are the essential ingredients for raising healthy children who will develop into capable young men and women.